New Year Resolution

1. score at LEAST 5 As for PMR...God willing..more
2. avoid heartbreak (sooooo don't have time for that next year...totally trashed my form2 because of that >.<)
3. grow taller than joshua peh :)
4. visit them nigers in australia ( and never come back....haha..kiding)
5. don't get darker
6.avoid ignoring people due to PMR
7. be a good girl in school (LOL right as if)
8. study...duhh -.-
9. stop daydreaming!!
10. let no pimple invade my face >.<


k il keep adding if i think of any ^^

Day 5 ( last day 27th Dec) scroll to day 1 and start reading there

ok...this is the saddest day ever...we had to leave bangkok which means i have to come back to taiping and leave my cousins... :(

ok..we went to airport bla bla bla reached KL bla bla bla reached apartment bla bla bla reached home

i dont wana go into detail...i was really really really sad to leave KL...i didn't wanted to come home...well..at least stay a day or 2 would be better than just coming home straight after we came back*cries*

i miss marcus(pwning him in pillowfights..slamming pilows into his face...facepump!),tim(ben...ben dan...waaaaaa!!....tweeeehhhh!*shows peace sign*...ray ray ray ray...),jon,sheila(fish massage n dress shopping!!),surian,sharon(playing with her fat cheeks) so100 much...i kinda shed a tear on the way home...they're like my 2nd family...aunty wai ching is like a mother to me..and yea they're like brothers to me..well..although we pwn each other but still...i had the most awesomest happiest time with them...i can't wait to go to australia n....take over marcu's/tim's room...leaving either one of them sleeping on the couch...wuahahahah...haha
:)

Day 4 (26th Dec)

after so many days...we finally had the chance to shop...there's this mall near the hotel...about 10mins walking distance...its called Paragon..hugest mall ever...bigger than any of the malls in kl...but i kinda took advantage of the money currency there...like i though cause our money was bigger we could afford to spend it...i was soooo wrong...its like walking into a door while you expected it to be open...=.=

so yea i didn't buy much at all...in fact i didn't buy anything from that mall...toooo expensive...even eating there could cause you your whole life savings....haha..ok exagerating!!

so like..oooooo!...ok..interesting part...haha...after window shopping in Paragon...we actually went shopping at this other mall called MBK...and there...my mum got into a fight with a shemale/ladyboy/manwoman/pondan/agua....whatever you call it...it was a chic with a dick...so like...my mum was looking at her handbags...and like...they were placed on this pole like thingy on a glass table...so like..my mum took one to see and like accidently droped the pole tingy and it hit the glass table and like chippedthe glass a bit...and like...it was just a small chip...but oh noooooo....the ladyboy  went all psycho shemale mode on us threatening to call the cops if we dont pay to fix it...need i remind you it was just a chip??..-.-

so my aunts went all badgirl mode and was like 'call the cops...just call the fucking cops you motherfuckerrrr!'....haha...yea...i stood there not blinking and was like...'don't kill me aunty'....hahaha...yea that's something that i'll never foprget... :)

Day 3 ( Christmas day!)

WORST christmas ever!

why???

ok...1st....of all days...it was the hottest of the hottest...like if you put a camel there it may die of the intense heat...urrghhh...

ok...so like...morning time..breakfast!...hehe...the main plan for today was to visit tigers at some temple...i actually had my hopes up for that...

anyway...before we went there...we went to the River Kwai...it was a historical place...the bridge there..it went through World War II....it's still pretty solid...but full of holes cause of the japanese bombing...anyway...we had lunch there...food---->URRRGHHHHH.....no aircon...no fan...no wind....so you can imagine our sweat dripping onto our food...ok eew...im not gonna continue this part...haha

so after lunch...we went to the tiger temple...remember when i said i had high hopes??...well...when  we got there...i just had another flashback from my childhood...SANTA is a DISAPPOINTMENT!!!...i expected like a really nice huge temple and when we walked in...there was like tigers everywhere...but NOOOOOOOOOOO.....santa had to change that....i arrived there...looking around and seeing...

a. NO temple *they LIED!!gasps!!*

b. NO tigers (well..i had to walk further up 2 see them)

c. they had these stupid senseless little forms saying stuff like 'i AGREE to these terms and conditions that these animals may not be tamed and the temple..(LIES!!no temple)..is not to be held responsible for any personal injuries '...wtf....i SO DON'T agree to having my body being torn into peices by vicious UNtamed tigers and eaten as evening snack...what idiot wrote that shit??!...the 'i agree' part...

d.they had smelly wild animals that roamed free and leaving poo after taking each step...how icky is that

e.it was like walking through a desert on hot rocks while carying an oven thats uhmm...HOT?

f.the tigers were held in this canyon...those fat lazy things...we had to like que up in 2 rows...one to JUST pet...and one to pet and get your picture taken..btw...you have to pay to get your picture taken with your OWN camera...-.-...moneysucking scumbags...

g.no cute baby tigers :(...haha

well that's all i guess..hahaha...ok next

i went to this massage parlour again...with sheila,my mum and aunts...me and sheilawent for foot massages and this fish spa..that was kinda the good part of christmas....it was like the weirdest ugliest and most ticklish massage ever!...like i was partially screaming and laughing at the same...haha...it was just fun... :)

Day 2 (24th Dec a.k.a Christmas Eve)

ok so today's christmas eve...nothing special YET...hahaha...kk so like woke up grouchy as usual..haha..breakfast was awesome!!...like it was the best breakfast i ever had in the 14 years of my life...haha...*thumbs up for novotel!!!*..hehe...after breakfast...i can't really remember entirely where we went..oh ok....we went to the floating market...8 people per boat...tim and uncle rahman where in front...the 1st...then me and sheila were 2nd...fei and jon 3rd and bro and surian the last...the ride was kinda cool...but water was like so icky and 300% dirty...i got splashed =.=....anywaaaaaaaaaaay....the whole trip was cool...i didn't buy anything from the market though...but it was good to know i was in a place where nicholas cage was...ahhhhhhh!!!!*screams in fanatic frenzy!!*...hahaha...

so after that..lemme see..i forgot where we had lunch but im pretty sure it was a buffet....haha...after that....we went to The Grand Palace..its not as awesome as it sounds..its freakishly boring...but the whole place was like pure gold so like makes you feel kinda jealous those fugly suckers had a chance to go inside with servants and such and actually live there....while WE...travellers...stand and look in jealous sweaty rage and going 'ahhhhh~' at everything that glows in the hot beating sun...*releases fury onto innocent teddy bears*...hehe...jkjk

so after that...we went back to the hotel...when we steped in...the hallelujah chorus went off...God bless air-cons..haha...hmm....after that...we just chilled the whole night...

this is where the fun begins.....ooooooooooooooo~

my bro,jon and tim went clubbing at the hotel club...surian wanted to tag along to but was tooooo underage...so instead he chilled with me and marcus in marcus's hotel room...so i'll just fastforward to the fun part...i stayed there til about 2+ in the morning...sharon came in...surian was busy with the psp so me and marcus went babysitter-victim mode...haha..she's a hyperactive child...we both sweated...she loves jumping up and loves it when me and marcus make her jump and slam her face into the pillow...and she loves it when surian picks her up and pretend she's flying...haha..she kept us entertaining her the whole night but hey..we volunteered..haha...we ran up and down the hallway...more like walked...people where sleeping...then like she had to go back to bed...so me,marcus and surian had to clean up after her...lil bitch =.=...haha...im just kidding!!!...so after that..we just layed in bed and just talked...there was a point where me and surian crushed marcus...awesomest part...haha...its kinda hard to make that night sound awesome and fun but if you were me that time...you'd know how it felt...haha..

bangkok + KL 200% awesome

haha...ok i was sooooo wrong bout bangkok...it aint the land of guns AND hookers...just hookers.....hahaha...ok..so im gonna write everything i did with family...haha..enjoy :)

Day 1 (23rd Dec) :

our flight was at 11...but we HAD to be there at about 8.30...so obviously everyone was grouchy in the morning...haha...cause most of us slept like really100 late the night before..about 2+...playing guitar hero...me pawning marcus at it..muahahaha...not reli :( ..eating durians..it was like 1st grade all over again when baby sharon arrived...she was the new little toy everyone wanted to play with..attention whore!...haha..just kiding..i love her...so cute and portable...haha...ok so like...we reached the airport...toured uncle rahman's office...coolness *thumbs up*...so we went to the airport...urrghh...long drive if you don't have an mp3 with you...so there....i met JONATHAN WONG....haha...my cousin from australia...he was skinny...really100 funny guy...coolness...so we touchdowned in bangkok at around 1ish maybe..its 1 hour slower there..so our tourguide Pann...it think...hmmm...ok..she took us to our hotel NOVOTEL*whoosh efect*...hehe...it was kinda cool cause acros the street there was this row of thai massage parlours that closed at 1am...how awesome is that right..you could be like...'oh its 11 and i can't sleep...ooo...lets go for a massage'...LOL...so we checked in at about 4ish i think..i went for a thai foot massage with my parents..kinda ok i reckon...after that we went for this dinner cruise at Menam Chao Prahya...spelled it wrong? :'(...anyway...the food was pretty ok...it was kinda torture for me since like...its kinda romantic...dinner cruise with lights and oo lala??..haha..so imagine being there with family...haha...kinda heartbreaking..haha..im just kiding...was cool being with family..aunts went crazy on the dancefloor...im just thankful it wasn't my mum out there...hehehe...the most awesomest part was SO MUCH DRINKING!!!..wooooot!!!shh!!..hehehe...awesomeness!

day 2-5 continues after this blog...haha...i'll write day by day by day...just scroll up to the blog above this 1

away to bangkok

well...im leaving for bangkok tomorrow..land of guns and hookers...its kinda scary...

a. you can get shot in the street ( guns are ACTUALLY sold there)

b. GALS....can get human trafficked anywhere,anytime...to be sold as sex slaves all over the world..

c. DUDES....hookers can just parade their accessories and lure you in and just drug you and take everything from you

d. drugging can happen to anyone

well...i think these are the few most must-be-aware things when you're in bangkok

like really..i don't know why.of all place in the world...why bangkok??

anyway i can't complain now...i leave tomorrow at 8a.m...my flight is at 11p.m though...but we have to be at the airport early for the check in...im kinda excited kinda terrified...so hope those who read this blog have a heart to pray for me and my family's safety so we all won't get shot there...or any of the above that i've listed...yikes...

k...bye :)

KL part 3-5

okok...so i've been lazy to blog bout day 3 and 4...but hey..cant blame a gal...she's on vacation...haha..plus...i was out partially the whole day and my mofo cousin was hoging the lappie..*cursing and swearing begins*...lol..jk...


anyway...i cant remember day 3...i just now there's food and money spending involve...haha...yesterday....

day 4 :

ooooooooo!i went swimming with y aunt and cousin...marcus...haha...finally after SOOOO many many years (capslock ON)..haha..i finally got into a swimsuit!!..i was just t lazy to get into a pool..haha..wel..that and some medical issues..long story..anyway...i dunno...but i reckon i look pretty ok in a swimsuit..hahaha..CURVES!!!..haha..ssnye aku..so like i went with marcus and aunty wai ching..that's his mum..so we had fun in the water..he was such a prick...just pawning himself..hahaahha..just kiding!!..but seriously...he was pawning himself hardcore..haha...but was cute i guess..baby cousin!!!!..lol..he's my age but i just call him that cause im still older than him... :p

lets see...for lunch we went to this steak house..its called victorian station...even appetizers cost about 50 bucks...i'm nt here to brag though...im just blogging.isn't that the whole concept??..haha..kiding!..when i saw the menu..i was like..'holy fuck!'..people actually do pay that much to be fat..but  guess...for that kind of food..its pretty worth it though...just...don't go there everyday..even if you're the queen of england...so like..anyway..i had this dish called 'Cunjac salmon steak' ...its like...salmon but in the shape of a steak...something like that...and they had these really long and thick french fries..then uhm...salad...thats all...was actually considered nutritious and not that expensive...haha :)
so..next...
me,marcus,surian,aunty wai heng,sheila.aunty wai ching went to Thai Odyssey for foot massages..it was like the cherry on top of a cake..a very kenyang pleased cake...haha
after that...we went to watch Avatar..it was like a 3 hour movie..BUTTCRAMPS!!!!...i had to adjust my ass in different angles to not feel numb when i get up..-.-.....but overall..the movie was awesome..my eyes where sore from the 3D though..ishk!..anyway...awesome movie..must watch... :)

day 5(today):

hmm...nothing much today...for the first time through out this whole KL trip...i woke up early...LOL...so...we did nothing much today like i said...we skipped lunch with my aunts..so the only people at home was me,surian,marcus and tim...then..for lunch..me,marcus and surian walked down to Wendy's...its like a fast food diner down the street from where we're staying..it was pretty good i reckon...better than McD at least..and more varieties..anyway..we just chilled the whole day on the couch watching movies and playing guitar hero..just being fat and lazy..hehehe..well...
that's all...tata


bye love ya :)

Forgetting and moving on

sometimes when you feel like everything is finally normal again after a you've just got out of one of those really painful and shitty situations that you never want to experience it ever again..and then you get TOO use to it(normalcy)...sometimes,things changes...dejavu and flashbacks kick in...flashbacks can come in any form..dreams...visions etc...and with this...package of flashbacks and dejavus....it also brings along the same bitter feeling that we once had...its something we cant stop...we didn't ask for it to happen..it just...happens...the feeling just comes back..


so this is why..we have to stop living in the past...yes,you've been hurt in so on so on ways..but you've got out of it..why would you want to think about those times..yes,sometimes they come unexpectedly and you may feel like you're stuck...but that doesn't mean you are..you just think you're stuck when in fact..it's just your mind playing with you..fact is..you're not stuck at all..


stop living in the past...keep moving forward(quote from 'meet the robinsons')...its hard no doubt...its painful no doubt..but its POSSIBLE NO DOUBT too..you just gotta put your back into it..


sometimes...yes you flashback just to wonder what if...right??..well...no harm done...as long as you don't get caught in that little illusion of dejavu your mind is trying to tell you..you're not experiencing dejavu...


yes i am giving advice...i feel bad cause i don't really practise it...what good is giving advice if you dont practise it at all right??...so by writing this blog..its me telling myself i will forget and move on...and i hope you guys do too...if you're living in the past..you're just a retard with no life...

bye (:

copy and tag me...tagged by Panda

Tag 8 people after you're done.

1.Your name?

Maegan-Beany

2. Do you have any depressing problems lately?

lately??..nah..just anoying cousins but i love em sitl

3. Weak points of yours that you can't get over?

waking up with a non grouchy face (:

4.Will you tell your crush your true feelings for him/her or just shut up and give him love and care secretly?

mm..why the secrecy..although...i didn't found out i had a crush till my friend told me my crush had a crush on me cause she noticed him stalking me...i was flattered to death and eventually got involved with my crush-stalker <3

5. 3 good points of the person who tagged you.

hmm hmm hmm...
you know, i dont really know much about you besides the obvious panda...hmm hmm hmm...
we don't bond ):
LOL!
she's cool yet noisy...atention-camwhore(wakakaka)...creative(i like her work-photography)

6.Describe the look of that the person who tagged you.

imagine a panda wearing braces :p
its says cute-nerdy yet violent..LOL

7.What do you want the most now?

him ):
...............my insanely cuddly teddy bear which i won!!xD!!!

8. Happiest moments?

taking place right here right now...KL is love...minus the trafic-.-

9. Good points of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

uhmmm....he didn't give up on me no matter how negative or mean i am to him or when we were in bad-relationship-jeapordizing situations we were in...unintentionally of course!!..haha

10. Describe your characteristic/personality?(your own opinion)

an academic hater with surprisingly good results with chubby chipmunk cheeks :p

11.What do you want to do the most now?

my hair to be not oily...=.=...its annoying
and RM2000 wont hurt (major priority for tomorrow)

12.Which country/city are you dying to go? Why?

Party in the USA and greece...
i've surprisingly gotten into greek mythology..Aphrodite...goddes of Love

13.Why are you doing this tag?

I'm bored. Duh.and my uncle's hoging the TV..T.T

14. Have your loved one said something that has hurt you?

Lets not go back there.
Its a rough..stingy spot for me
All is said and done.
All is forgiven

15.When will you feel lonely?

When he used to..(as i think of it)..ignore me

16.The last time you cried.

Another..rough..stingy spot for me

17.How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

P and P
private and personal

18. Who is more important: Your family or your life partner?

life partner = hubby
i dont have a hubby...YET..so
family <3

19.Best feature of your face?

you tell me

20. You hope the person who tagged you will become your...
friend *smiles holding a M16 behind*
LOL


tag tag tag...ma huan...zzz


- Panda (since she tagged me)
- yean san (cuz she always reads my blog..and unlike so many people...she ACTUALLY COMMENTS)
- fannie lee ( she's like yean san..keep it up :p )
- kevin jay ( he TER-read my blog...i was being too darn careless..oh well :p )
- tim ( mf!!) :)
- hong zhen ( my best buddy)
- ashvin ( he's a good buddy and almost everytime agrees to what i write..hehehe)
- relwin jay ( he read my blog i think and MADE FUN!!! of it...damn you) :D

KL day 2

alright...so like..today was kinda awesome...


a. my aunt bought this dress for me..actually...to be more specific...me ad my cousin practically tore down the mall to find a suitable casual dress for me and like..eventually after such sprained ankles and blistered feet from walking...she found this..like...dancer-sort-of dress for me...like..itl be better with a belt...im gonna hunt for a belt tomorrow..haha...yea maybe if ya'll are lucky someday.you just might get to see me in it..haha...i know lotsa you are kinda eager to see me in it cuz i know ya'll have the impression im sort of a dude cuz i act like one??..go to hell you mofos...>.<...LOL..jkjk...


b. i dunno if this is surprising or not...but i just realized..my accent's changing..like..its getting a bit aussie-american i dunno...my cousin says its hybrid....jackass..so i guess...i kinda like it...haha..im cool (: hahaha..jk


c. ministry of food - M.O.F ....yea its the name of a japanese ice cream shop...its pretty tight..like..its actually sweet but like not sugary sweet...i rekn its yougurty and naturally sweet...but its like RM6.50 for one scoop in a cup..and like..altho you mite think its too small cuz it kinda looks small..its quite filling...and like..its cute...every single taste is like your eating gold...lol...i would reckomend you guys to go for double scoops..its like RM11.50...kinda too expensive for a small cup but its pretty worth it...go for green tea and strawberry flavors...like 1 scoop green tea..1 scoop strawberry..and you know...they even have black sesame flavor...its a pretty rigid ice cream shop...lol..


d. Forever 21...its the name of the store where i got my dress from...yea that store is like 200% awesome..but its kinda sad that the only sizes the have are..M and L...so like..pretty much i couldnt buy some of the nicer dresses..they're to big...and like..its the best cuz..what they have there are like really colourful and its totaly wide and stuff...awh geez...you just gotta go..gals...cuz i dont think they have guys clothing there..well they do but majority for gals..its in pavillion shopping complex...so gals...its a must for you to check it out...(: thumbs up


e. we went to Concorde hotel for lunch... people ...lemme tell u...and you better take my advice...they have the BEST dim sum there..when you walk in and like just sit down..the environment just makes you feel like you're in china...but the really rich classy part of it


f.yea i think thats kinda it...wel...il update 2moro...ltr (: 

KL..city of temptation

oh my God...i dont even know where to begin..ok...so like..i touchdown in KL about lunchtime today..ok so like...no question...bought this awesome like coat-dress kind of thing..its like merun..so its kinda cool..i just wish i was taller so like..it could feel better but yea no doubt i kinda look good in it i guess..haha..i dunno...i said i guess right..


anyway..thats not the temptation part...the temptation part is like the food here...curse this place like everywhere you turn there's something that's actually worth spending a hundred bucks for just so you can indulge in it...its sinful...ok im not like on a diet or anything..never do diets..the kill...anyway..although i dont do diets,im not on a diet...but like..since im chubby..and like my version of chubby is actually the cute version..like not the chubby-and-soon-to-be-obese type...its the chubby-and-you-can-still-get-a-boyfriend-and-have-a-social-life type..haha..ok in a way..


ok...i know some of you wont get what i mean..its like...you see some girls who are chubby...but like with the 1st look you know like they probly don't look that good...and there's some other girls who like..with the 1st look and although they are chubby-ish,..you still think they look quite cute...haha..not braggin or degrading the chubby community but i think im pretty much in the 2nd group since i had relationships i guess..lol..i dunno
dont get me wrong though...im not like trynna lame fat people or chubby people...its just like...i dont need to be chubbier..get what i mean??haha


but like...you know how kl is right...haha...so many temptations...GOD!!!..and like..my cousin....tims a bitch...keeps like..torturing me with food like...its kinda hard to explain..haha...its not that i cant resist...i can..and its pretty easy actly...but like sometimes..its just hard to say no to family...i know thats a shitty excuse...but like..you're not in my family..you dont know...haha...


so like...i gotta go to gym and such..gonna be here for like at least...2-3 weeks and like..its only the 1st day and i think its...lets just say...i look at a bagel and my ass gets bigger...now imagine that i have to eat it..T.T
anyway...lets just hope...i dont get obese by...friday...o.O...haha..just kiding..im not gonna let my cousin do that to me...LOL


alrite bye (:

Bickering leads to Breaking

hmm...i was watching 'Good Luck Chuck' when my mum..being her usual this-is-my-house-i-own-you way..haha..i exagerated...hogged the remote...haha ok..before i stray from topic..it was at that irritated moment 9.48 p.m ...i had a sudden like..inspiration cmon...like..just something ticked off in my brain...and that lil something..had to do with boyfriend-girlfriend bickering...and like..why do they bicker...and in most cases..we all know..bickering eventually leads to breaking too much bickering..leads to breaking...but what i don't get is...is it normal in a relationship to not bicker...and by the way for those who are slow..bickering = fighting/arguing ...

So..this is what i came up with..and no im not an expert on relationships...so dont be coming to me like im Dr.Hitch...i just...like to put what i think about in writing.I express myself better in that way.

Ok, so like..in what i've observe..like my friends relationships...and like..one of my friend..she was like...whenever her boyfriend hurts her..intentionalyl or unintentionally i don't know..she wouldn't like..tell him...
A.she didnt wanted to hurt him (which is so similar to me..fagot-.-)
B.she was SCARED that like..THEY MITE GET INTO A FIGHT and eventually break up (notice how caps lock and red ink is used..lol)

So...that really caught me on hold..not the 'jaga-hati' part...that's old school...so...we talked...i asked her and she was like..

'cause i know how arguing can change the..condition?..of a relationship...i've seen how cuoples argue and what they argue about and eventually thay just break up..someway or another...it will..but sometimes when you don't fight in a relationship..there's gotta be something wrong..'

...she was being so pro-type on how relationships work...so ok,i just went with it resisting laughter...but i LOL'd inside...didn't wanted to like..spoil the atmosphere of her ss-ness...on how 'pro' she thot she was..haha..but i guess she can be considered pro since she's...15?..haha..no way

Anyway...that kinda got me wondering...If a guy hurts you,and you're to whimpy to tell him cause you're scared it might jeapordize the happiness of your relationship..or more specifically(which i know ya'll don't dare to admit)..his happiness...then..what's the point of being in a relationship if its him you think for and not you..ok you might not get what i just wrote...the example below is somewhat mroe clearer...

'sex in the city' so inspired me with this question...'when you're in a relationship...does it mean  putting his name and his needs and his happiness before your own?'...and yet..i cant seem to find the answer..and what's worst...the movie doesn't give the answer..it only gives the question leaving me spazing in a daze and stressing my brain...haha.okok..out of topic..but the question is similar to what im trying to say

So like..

if people don't bicker in a relationship and just keep their sad depressing thoughts to themselves = BAD
and...
if people bicker in a relationship to not cage their sad and depressive emotions = BAD(cause it leads to fights)
then...
where's the GOOD?

meaning...

 

when a guy hurts you..

what's the best way to avoid a fight with him and at the same time not having to hurt yourself just to prevent jeapordy in a relationship....

I'm no Dr.Hitch...but i would suggest a few..techniques??

1. maintain/construct and open minded but NOT TOO OPEN MINDED relationship...too open minded as in...your man has sex with/kiss a slut and your cool with it...BIG NONO...(again...caps lock comes in handy^^..)

2.try talking and not accusing...this is as i know...a very common thing in a females..just ask my mother-.-

3.avoid bickering as often as possible...let the small matters slip

4.no fighting in a relationship is NORMAL....its weird and unusual but its BEST...dont simply pick a fight with your boyfriend just cause you think its not normal to not fight...simple fights will do..like what movie you wanna watch...hehe

5.don't be angry...keep your cool ladies...unless you have hard evidence that your dude has hurt/cheated on you..then confront...like i said..NEVER ACCUSE...and if the reason your guy gives you isnt good enough...tell him..you want to believe/forgive him but somehow you just cant....and if he truely really likes you...he'll find a way somehow to convince/apologize more to/pujuk you and NOT pull the guit trip on you..'dont you love me??y wont you believe/forgive me?'..or...'fine!!don't belive..up to you'...

well..that's all my brain can come up with...im not an expert..im only 14....but if you think what i just wrote above might help...then..feel free to use it^^...keep in mind the...im not an expert part...haha....k...bye :)

Runaway

hmm...isnt it surprising that how one could give such powerful advice to others ( chehh wahh...ss-nye aku..haha)..and yet she can't seem to follow her own advice?..and despite the fact that all my problems are over..burried deep down within me..its so fucking cruel that i have the scars to remind me that the past was real..scars a.k.a flashbacks...everytime i get these flashbacks..like they just come to me..in dreams or something..there's a stingy feeling in my chest where my heart is..and i just alienate myself from the person who caused em..and its not nice...for me or that person...i don't always get these flashbacks...but time to time..they just don't seem to go away..and when i dream about em..like when they come to me in my dreams..it just hurts and pisses me off to see that i was in that stage of sadness and there was no cure..or a potion..or a prince charming that could save me then.

Sure i've heard many 'im sorries'...and its ok..i forgive as usual..but sometimes..sorry is but a word..it doesn't erase all the pain and the sadness away...the most we can do is hope that..everything will be okay eventually..im not saying im sad now..im happy...being the usual me..and i don't expect anything from him to help it go away cuz he cant...its within me to make it go away and i just haven't figure out how yet...cuz...



When you have scars to remind you..its not that easy to forget...you know...the pain is gone..deffinetely gone...the wounds heal day by day...but the scars stay...almost forever...you carry that memory for the rest of your life...its a dramatic way to look at it but its true.


And the worst part is...when you try to make an effort to make it go away..like...not thinking bout it at all...it doesn't go away but keeps coming right back. I just don't know what to do, and i don't think there's anything i can do about it..just gotta endure it...cause..pretty much nobody can help it go away too...

Now...I can't help it if I spaze in a daze.My eyes tuned out the other way.I may switch off and go in a daydream.In this head my thoughts are deep.But sometimes i can't even speak.Will someone be and not pretend,I'm off again in my world.My small little unable-to-runaway world,flooded with flashbacks off what used to be and paranoid thoughts of what could have been.

Life is such a bitch when you can't runaway.